Submissions
Sent to me by James Fenton 1st April 2010
THE EU DISCLOSED
Issued at 14.00 hours CET Thursday 01 April 2010
By special correspondents Dick Tat and Tica Tock
In a dramatic and totally unexpected disclosure today it was exclusively revealed to our correspondents by senior unnamed sources that the European Commission has finalised plans to completely change time. The plans will come formally into effect at midnight tonight and there is no prospect of them being altered.
Our source revealed that time is to be decimalised. All clocks and other time-keeping devices throughout the EU area will need to be changed as soon as possible to avoid widespread confusion and disruption. "It was nevertheless considered advantageous to make this change and to do so without prior notice because of the very obvious advantages it will bring" the unnamed spokesman disclosed. "There is no time to be lost".
The source told us "This is our most magnificent and progressive achievement yet. Although it has involved thousands of personnel and experts working full-time for several years we have kept our plans totally confidential to avoid the sort of protests, objections and demands for consultation which would otherwise have delayed matters. Our most brilliant minds have been diverted to this wonderful triumph regardless of cost".
He declined to say what the cost had been but indicated that it had been "extremely substantial" - but that "fortunately the expense will be fully recovered by a special additional levy on the 27 EU members".
From midnight tonight each day will be divided into 10 Ehours; each hour into 100 Eminutes; and each minute into 100 Eseconds. In addition each week will now consist of 10 Edays and each year divided into 100 Eweeks. "The 'E' will be required to distinguish old time from the new progressive time" the spokesman explained.
"There might be some practical problems at the start but these will need to be dealt with quickly to secure the enormous benefits of this change. The old idea of measuring time in 365 days, 52 weeks, 7 days, 24 hours, 60 minutes and 60 seconds is arbitrary. It is illogical to have these strange random numbers" the spokesman added.
"We have not yet got agreement on the change from the US Government or the rest of the World because that would have put the confidentiality of our magnificent project at risk. It was a chance we were not willing to take. This may now cause considerable practical problems but we are confident that the clear gains will cause the World to follow our example.